I will remember the Day.


Do you still remember the day you left me here, for a city miles away, to chase your faraway luscious dream? Of course, you do. But, think hard, do you really remember the day, the girl in a yellow dress? Who was mumbling something not audible and you failed to read those quivering lips, remember that? Who wished for the sky to fall or earth to break or sea to roar or air to rattle only to make you realize how broken that girl in yellow dress, standing behind the barricades, was; how badly she needed you. Well…I do. I vividly do.

You went away, from the place, not from the heart. You knew that too. I emailed every day. You checkd on me too, if not every day, every other day. I even flew to your place once, on your birthday, remember? That was years back though. I had promised to never crib about the thousands of miles between us; or about the years we spent without seeing other’s face; or even about the fact that you seemed happier without me. The latter-most one was a conjecture, a wild one; yet there it was. I’ve seen bad days; there had been times, when hell broke loose and I lost it all. I threw things, I messed the whole house, I even burnt…stuff. Was I losing my mind? The situation says for itself.

But if I were asked, I wasn’t losing my mind or anything then, at all; how could I lose myself then when I had already lost myself years back? I wasn’t what I was; the face, the hairs, the body were the same, but what is concealed from naked eyes had changed, (or was it lost?) long back. What was deplorable to me now was the messy way of finding myself back. I was missing you. And the fact that I, probably, wasn’t being missed broke me in a more irreparable way. Was I damaged? No. Was I in hell? No. Then, was I weak? Perhaps, yes. I turned weak when you left me. Okay, I think, ‘you left me’ sends out unintentional bad vibes. So, let’s call it your turning away for a while. Still the same? A short sojourn to another place, this should work.

I turned weak when you left for your short sojourn for a faraway city. I realized it only when it happened. I realized my fault, soon after you went. I realized how I had invested my power and vigor in you, how I had my dependency laid on you, and, when you left me on my own, I felt like a toddler learning to walk, like a kid learning to ride a bike for the first time. Just a moment’s independency, and I thought I lost it. With that thought running, I really lost it all.

I didn’t shatter. That definitely qualifies for being an overstatement. Most definitely. But I turned weak, my wings disappeared, heart turned fragile, and vigor, if I had any of my own, turned yellow. And all this, it happened when you went away. Does that not make you a kind of a bad guy here? You spoiled me with the overmuch affection and love and care. Now, that is being ungrateful, you’d say. I do not have any right to blame others, even you for the matter of fact, for my own weaknesses and failures at being independent. The fact remains though; you spoiled me in a way I never came to realize until it hit me, until it hit me so hard that it took more than my energy to get back on my feet.

But all of this, this phase of my life, it took place years back. It took me years to learn to walk on my own, to ride that bike without anybody’s (your) support. And now you are coming back. After all these years of distance, you finally, after having achieved your dream, are coming back.

Am I on cloud nine? Am I shedding happy tears? Am I dancing my happy-dance? Am I going crazy with the news? With a pen running on this paper, I, apparently, am doing none of the above. Such a melancholic scene at the should-be-happy time, you’d wonder, my love. Even I am wondering the same.

Am I not happy? Am I glum about your return? Cannot fancy about such a thing even in the strangest dreams of mine. Yet, these actions and reactions tell a different story, don’t they? I am not sad; that is an assured fact. But why am I not feeling the butterflies in my stomach, the way I had always thought I’d when you would come back? Why am I not feeling giddy? Why the goosebumps are nowhere to be felt? Why am I not doing the preparations I had planned years back? Whys and more whys? But who to answer them?

With us apart this long, it seems, now, to me, that this distance I used to lament over, had become comfortable and rather soothing, over the time. The distance had become comfortable.

After having all of my pieces back in their place, after having myself back in a piece, the way I should and have been all this along, I am afraid I fear of losing myself with your return. No, I still care for you and have the same untainted affection, but with you chasing your dream in the other city, I think I was chasing mine in this city. I did not know I had lost myself, until, one fine day, I found myself. And I fear I will lose it all, again, with you being here.

Am I being a pessimist? Is this being cynic? You are nodding, I know. I know you so well that I had stopped exploring my own self. My self had lost its way, and I never even cared of showing it the light, until you were not gone. Of course, for your sojourn. But once you took off from the city, my heart took off, too, from the messy puddle it was in. It found its way back, with the flickers of light I threw in its way.

My self thanked me that day, and it never fails to do so every single day. It always lives in a fear though; that I will abandon it again. And now you are coming back. I am looking forward to that day. I really am. I will remember the day.

DISCLAIMER: This’s a fictional piece; not a page from my journal (which I do not own, by the way).


No credit for the image used.
Copyright © 2018 by Idle Muser. All rights reserved.


7 Comments Add yours

  1. Gagandeep Kaur says:

    That is just incredible my friend. The way you put life into these alphabets is so hypnotic. Every single time i regret procrastinating reading your beautiful write ups. You have no idea how your musings lights up my day. I owe you a lot for this. love and more love to you Aditi 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Idle Muser says:

      And I owe you the many butterflies and jitters I feel every time I see your support here. It feels incredible, every single time. Thank you so much!😘

      I’m glad you liked this one too, as I wasn’t really sure how others (readers) would perceive it. Seems it turned out fine, at least for you; so, that’s good. Thanks again, Gagan!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Prashantt says:

    This is again one of the best from your pen. The beauty of your storytelling resides in amazing presentation that kept one connected with story till end although it is more like an open letter but loved reading it.📝👌☺

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Idle Muser says:

      Thank you so much, Prashant! This constant support of yours is overwhelming, and I mean it. Thanks a lot!

      I wanted to write something of this sort (the theme) from quite sometime now, and with this open-letter kind of structure too. Tried not to overdo it; not sure if gotten successful there or failed. Glad, though, that you liked it.🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Jack "Blimprider" Tyler says:

    And here’s my old friend! We’ve found each other at last. A little thrill ran through me when I read the notice: “Idle Muser is following your blog.” Yes, please, follow, and I will follow yours, and be moved by powerful works such as this one. I’ve missed our conversations on WdC. Won’t have to anymore, and that’s just great…

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Idle Muser says:

      Yes, yes, we did meet, Jack. Doesn’t this feel, even after having talked for quite a while now, a kind of another beginning? It really is great.
      I’m on a short vacation (10 days) nowadays, and that is why this late reply here and yet no reply on Gmail. Trying my best to not to appear too lazy (that I am) and too busy (which again I was). Will sit and write to you within a day or two; for sure.

      Till then take care, and keep on writing and inspiring!

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Jack "Blimprider" Tyler says:

        Don’t you remember what I told you so long ago? There is no deadline between friends. You enjoy your vacation and your life, take care of your busy spells, and we’ll talk when you’re ready. Wonderful hearing from you, as always! Read well, and write better…

        Liked by 2 people

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